Lamenting on Meanings
by Madame of all Manga
Summary: Short insights into what the cast of Detective Conan's meanings in life are.
1. Chapter 1

My first meaning for living had been my family. Sure my parents had sold me and my sister into the Black Organization but at least we had been together. Right? Well that is what I thought but then my parents died. It was only me and my sister left. We thought we would be together forever and to prove that Akemi, my sister, even tried to free us from the Organization. For trying to leave the Organization she was killed. I hadn't fought against the Organization until that point thinking I would always have a meaning in my life. Now I had no meaning. Life was pointless without a meaning. Since my life was now meaningless I tried to kill myself by taking APTX4869.

I woke up and found that I was still alive. No, no, no I don't want to be alive I had thought. Since I noticed that I was smaller now I decided that I would run away so that I could die by my own hand and not anyone else's.

When I got away I ran without thinking about where I was heading. I had soon found myself near Shinichi's house. Immediately I could tell that it was his because I had just been there to check if he really was dead. Without thinking about what I had been doing I tried to get in the house. That was when I had passed out and Agasa-hakase had found me. He was my new reason for living, my new meaning in my life.

Later that same day that I had been adopted by Agasa-hakase I had been sent to the same elementary school that Shinichi as Conan had gone to and I was even put in the same class. We had soon become friends. I had even become friends with Ayumi, Mitsuhiko, Genta, Ran, and Heiji. There had been no way that you would have gotten me to admit to it back then though.

Soon I had gotten another meaning for living. This new meaning was that I was to make the APTX4869 antidote. I was the only one that could because I was the original creator of it and I felt responsible for making Shinichi like this.

Speaking of Shinichi he became another meaning for my life to continue and not burn out like a candle with no oxygen. He was the one that I learned to love. Even if I could never admit it to him because he had, had Ran at that time. I still felt like I had a meaning to my life through him. Soon he faded away from me though and I had lost one meaning in my life. He had been on a case after having gotten his life back to how normal it could be after having been shrunken into a child and had died after solving the case because the culprit had taken one last desperate shot to become free after being trapped.

In Shinichi's place of meaning in my life Shinichi had left another. This new meaning was in the form of a small child. Shinichi had made me the godparent of one of his little children that he had with Ran before leaving this world. This small child's name was Conan Suki Kudo. I found the name lovely and yet it brought back bittersweet memories. It brought back those bittersweet memories of my first love. The love that would never be.

Soon I had finished the antidote so I didn't have that as my meaning anymore. It gave me a bittersweet feeling. I was reminded that at some point all things must come to an end. This counts even for those things that give us meaning. All that was left as my meaning now was Agasa-hakase. I knew that at some point he, too, would leave me and I would have no meaning left besides Conan.

I had been right. Agasa-hakase soon had left me also. He had just been so old and had, had a heart attack. No one had seen it coming. Not even I had seen it coming and it made me very depressed. I had started to cry crocodile tears later on and with no Shinichi to comfort me I just couldn't get out of that slump. There was no way I would ever be the same again. The only thing that kept me going was Conan and even he soon had grown distant from me. He would stay out late into the night and would only come home when he thought that I was asleep. I had confronted him about it on his sixteenth birthday. All he would tell me was that he was following in his fathers footsteps. This had scared me because that was the last thing I wanted from him. It had made me so angry that I had started to give him curfews which I had never done before.

In retrospect that had probably been one of the worst things that I could have done but I was just so afraid of losing the last thing connecting me to this world. All of my fighting had been in vain though for Conan soon left me also. He went to America to study abroad and his plane had crashed into the ocean just as they were about to land.

My last lingering connection from my soul to this world was gone. There was nothing for me left in the world. I had gone to Conan's funeral and then went home and wrote of all the pain that I had felt throughout this whole time. Now I was ready to join all of those that had given my life meaning. I put the gun to my temple and squeezed the trigger. There was no pain for it was all over in an instant. I was back where I belonged. Back with those that game me meaning. Now I was content. There were no more bittersweet dreams to chase anymore and I was truly happy for the first time since Agasa had died.


	2. Chapter 2

At first I had thought that my life had been meaningless once I had found that I had been shrunken. There was no way that anyone would accept someone like me who had been shrunken back to being a kid even though I really was seventeen. This made me feel like my life was meaningless. That is until I found a light.

This light was found through Mouri Ran. She had been my shining light of joy before and now she was again. Ran had accepted me even if she didn't know the complete truth yet. Every time that she got close to discovering the truth she would still accept me even if she shouldn't because I had to live a lie. The only true thing in my life still, at that time, had been my love for her and my love for detective work. Soon I decided that I would tell her even if I still was shrunken to a little kid. Even then she accepted me.

Then I found more meaning to my life beyond just Ran. Ayumi, Mitsuhiko, and Genta had accepted me. They had accepted me into their group right away. When they found out that I was "abnormally smart" for a first grader they still accepted me. I had been afraid that they wouldn't but when they did I was so grateful to them. I vowed to protect them and help them through their hard times even if it meant that I would be harmed in the process. It was only fair for them having protected me in my hard times.

Soon Ai had joined in with all of my friends. She had given me meaning through being my best friend. Another way that I had been given meaning when I met her was that she gave me hope. The way that I was given hope was that she had created APTX4869 so she would most likely be able to make an antidote even if she didn't have a sample and if she did have a sample than she definitely would be able to make an antidote. She had become my trusted confidant and a smaller ray of light that Ran but it still shone bright.

Then I had met Heiji. He had been like me when it had come to detective work. At first we had not trusted each other. He had always been asking where the real me, Shinichi, was and would never pay attention to me even though I had been trying to help put him on the right track. Soon he had found out about the real me. He had learned my secret and I had been afraid of what he would do to me.

When he found out about me he actually accepted me. Even if he had laughed about it and had kept forgetting that it was supposed to be a secret. He gave me meaning as soon as he accepted me. This was because he would always show what he felt and made jokes. This had helped me to gain more hope in my situation which gave meaning to my half existence. He had truly cared about me even to the end when he sacrificed himself to save me from a bullet when we were taking on the Black Organization for the final time. This had given me another meaning to live for. I had, had to continue living my life to the fullest to make up for Heiji's sacrifice.

Another person who had helped in taking down the Organization was Kaitou Kid. When Heiji and I had found out about him and that he was Kuroba Kaito who was the same age as us we were surprised. We had found it hard to accept. Then, when we got to know each other, we became good friends that would last forever. He had given me meaning through that friendship. Kaito had always hoped that, that friendship could have turned into something more he still accepted my decision on being with Ran even it if made him sad he said that as long as I was happy he would be happy. He had given me so much hope for the future because of the way that he had gone through losing his own sense of life when his father died and again when he became Kid and yet he had been able to live his life so why shouldn't I be able to? Even when he died I was still living by his example.

All of the others that I had met during my short time with them had given me meaning. They gave me meaning through just being there to accept me. I had promised that I would never forget them and live my life to the fullest in their honor. Especially for all of those that had died trying to help me, for they had given me hope for the future.

It felt like my heart was going to burst. This was it. Now was the last time that I would be here. I soon would be going back to my old self. There would be no more Conan, only Shinichi. The only way Conan would be known was in the memory of all of those who had fought with me and helped me while I was here. Conan was no more. Only Shinichi was left.


	3. Chapter 3

Shinichi's had many reasons for living throughout his short life. His first reason for living had been his family. Yukiko and Yusaku Kudo had been the center of his life back when he was a child. There was nothing in the world that he would have traded for them. That was, at least, until he met Mouri Ran.

Mouri Ran was a bright, energetic girl that would actually hang out with him. No one had really done that before because of how smart he was for such a young kid. If someone had gotten past that, though, they would try to be friends with him because of his parents. This was not the case with Ran though. She was truly genuine in her friendship for him. This had made him so happy that he could have jumped for joy but he was much too serious for that. He soon developed feelings for her and she became his main meaning in life. That was the way it had stayed until she died giving birth to their second child. She had given him two new meanings to his life before dieing.

Shinichi worked hard for those two new little kids that were his meaning. The oldest one was named Conan Suki Kudo so that he would never forget his time as Conan. The second was named Nozomi Rai Kudo. This name meant Hope and Trust to remind him that these things were still in the world even if you couldn't have seen them at that moment. He worked so hard for his little kids that held so much meaning to his life that he soon was the savior of all of Japan's police force. These kids had held so much meaning to his life because they were a connection to Ran and in some ways his parents who had died because they had tried to save him during the final encounter with the Black Organization. To get these two children three lives had been sacrificed but that just gave the kids more meaning in his life.

Now I was about to die. I had just been shot and was being rushed to the hospital even though I knew I would die. There was no way I would be saved. The only thing that I regretted was that I wasn't there to watch my kids grow up. I hoped that they would understand why I had left them. After all there was no way that I would have let the kid that was being shot at die. I would rather take the shot myself rather than have another innocent die. I had, had enough of death in others. My last act of meaning in my life was that I had just saved a child. I was now content to die. When I died I was accepted with open arms by all those that had passed before me. I knew that I would do the same with the others that would come after me even if I did not know them. This was my meaning in death.

His final meaning was found when he protected someone from harm. If it would save another than he would gladly put him in harms way. There was no way he would ever let someone come to harm when he was around. It didn't matter who they were so long as they needed protection or help. He would come to their rescue even it meant his death.


End file.
